Actually it isn't really. But it is sort of.
The husband isn't keen on certain foods, and so it's evolved over the years that I've stopped eating these foods too, because, really why would I make a mushroom risotto when he likes neither mushroom nor risotto. It's like I've adopted a form of happy and well intended martyrdom, I've withheld a pleasure from me so he'll be happy. And I've got to say he's always the first one to say "make it/buy it/eat it - I'll just have a little" and then shake his head in frustration when I don't.
So this isn't about him at all, but more me, and why I do it.
This year, with the clock racing, I decided life's too short not to order vegetarian pizza, so I have subtlely re-introduced MY foods back into our family. Coleslaw is one - nothing better than a nice crunchy asian slaw with peanuts, asian dressing and coriander to complement a ...(insert anything), tomatoes are in the fridge, mushrooms, salads a plenty, and a half vegetarian pizza is on the menu when we do a pizza order. And if ever The Husband is away my boys look in disgust at whatever of my favourite forgotten foods I've managed to splodge together and call "dinner".
Why do we do this - withhold your own pleasure so you can pleasure someone else?
My mother was an expert at this, so I've learnt from the master. She would put our simple meals in front of us with a sigh, dreaming of exoticness while serving up very nice ordinariness to our family. Saturday nights used to be a challenge for my dad as it was their night to stretch the imagination and take a few risks. And if you know my father he's not a risk-taker. With my sister and I safely esconced in front of the telly with our take away fish and chips, Dad would wisely choose his words carefully after the first mouthful. And my Mum was a great cook, it's just my Dad had simple tastes (I want to put in here, I'm not sure how either of them could taste anything after the volume of wines and cigarettes they'd consumed but that would be wildly inappropriate so I won't).
With horror, I sometimes find myself barely letting my husband swallow his first mouthful before I'm asking - "Do you like it? Are you not eating it because you don't like it." And I take the silence (while he attempts to swallow) as confirmation of this, and adopt a cats bottom sulky mouth until he can splutter out that it's good. I'm my mothers daughter.
But still it has been empowering to let go of the self created martyr (seriously that is a hard word to spell) and just be. To not worry about making everyone else happy at my own expense.
Because when it comes down to it everyone else is happy to make me happy. It goes both ways. It's just taken a lot of coleslaw-less meals to realise it.
What do you hold back on and why? Is the time to start now?
post script - we had coleslaw twice this week! Yes, twice!
I used to think like this, but also realized that yes, life is way too short! We all mostly enjoy the same foods here, but every now and then everyone's favourite gets a go.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard not to be your mother's daughter, isn't it? :)
Oh Lisa if only we could choose the parts of our parents we want and the parts we'd prefer to leave for our siblings to have!
DeleteMy husband cooks (barbecues) Salmon on Mondays, Bison on Tuesdays, I cook something exotic (wok or Mexican) on Wednesdays, Chicken on Thursdays, and he ALWAYS has a steak on Fridays. Oh, and broccoli and carrots with EVERY meal! On Saturdays we go to our local restaurant, and on Sundays, he barbecues a roast something, so he has sandwiches for his lunches. So, take my advice, let him cook! PS Tell no-one what I've just told you!!
ReplyDeleteBBQ bison sounds exotic to me!! x
DeleteCan I come to your house for dinner next week? I think your butcher sounds more adventerous than mine!
DeleteInteresting, I do the same with my husband. He doesn't eat pork so neither do I. Though if I go out for breakfast, I'm having bacon! And I eat out without him, I might order a pork dish.
ReplyDeleteBut most of the time, I don't think about it and I don't miss it.
And he always lets me choose all the chocolates I want out of an assorted box and he eats the leftovers ;)
Ah, he's a keeper Lani!
DeleteI like the sound of that coleslaw - got a recipe??
ReplyDeleteI'm lucky in that my husbie and kids are pretty much open to whatever I want to cook. I made my husband be vegetarian for the first five years of our marriage, so after that he's happy as long as it contains some form of meat most days!! x
Umm recipe, coleslaw - not sure if they belong in the same sentence in my house Maxabella. Whatever I have I throw in the mulcher, then drown in a little olive oil and caramelised red wine vinegar (damn, there goes the secret out of the bag). I thought to keep'em, I needed to feed 'em in my early days with my husband but now that he is "trapped", I can relax that strategy a little!
DeleteSince I have given up full time work I am loving cooking for my family again. My poor husband does not get a chance to even put the food in his mouth before I ask with pleading desperation, 'is it nice" "how much out of 10", "do you hate it?"
ReplyDeleteI think I've become even more "needy" of his appreciation because I am not working and I need to know that somewhere somehow what I am doing is being valued
Very true Lana, I think my husband is just happy if he gets home and there is no arguments or a snippy wife, he's so relieved that he won't even think about what he's eating! I bet your husband loves the effort you're putting in and is deeply grateful for all the exotic things that have replaced the full time working mother meals!
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