The Wall

When I run, it's normally my happy-escape-from-life place.

I go "neutral", my breathing is neutral, my heart rate feels neutral and if it wasn't for the pain in my legs, hips and hunched over shoulders (seriously I do actually look like a primate when I run), I feel like I could run forever, or at least until the battery in my iPod ran out.  But interestingly recently, I haven't been able to get to my neutral place.  I have much on my mind, and now that I have worked out how to use an app on my phone, that measures the distance, pace etc of my runs, I'm slave to the distance.  The other day I swear I ran around the block just to get over a distance milestone.  I don't think elite runners would do that!
Also, more worryingly, the other day on a longish run, I hit the dreaded mental wall, 5kms from home.  I felt pissed that I was out running and it was taking so damn long, and I just wanted to be home.  Now.  Instead I struggled home, switching off every now and again, then rehitting the wall, 1km or so closer to home. (but I still needed to check the distance when I got home).

I have an addictive nature, and apologies to those with more serious addictions, I am not trying to trivialise the seriousness of this word.  In fact, let me replace "addiction" with "obsessions". It's in my genetic makeup I think (thanks Mum), I obsess about things, and have blinkers on that there is any other way.  I will only eat a certain food for breakfast, until I reach that day when another mouthful can't go in, I drank diet coke until my 8 year old asked me to stop because he was worried about my health (2 years and 9 months ago), and this is just the tip.  It drives the Husband bananas. And so it probably should.

And now I am a bit obsessed about training - I measure bike rides and runs - "it's ok to do a shorter run" - the Husband will say to me "I know"I agree with no intention of running anything less than what I've been  doing.
But the dichotomy for me is how much time my long training runs and rides are taking.  I've never had an obsession get in the way of, well, life before.  I'm resentful of all the things I'm not doing while I'm doing my training.  I look at others going to the gym, knowing that in an hour they'll be done and can get on with their day.  I want to get on with my day too.

Somethings gotta give.  

I just don't want it to be the training.

Post script:  this image is of someone young, thin and gorgeous who can lift her legs when she runs and doesn't look like a primate.  You are not looking at me.