Monday, November 28, 2011
My 11 year old is growing up. I know this because there are cracks appearing. They were tiny to start with a "don't Mum", but have got bigger "Mum, don't say that kind of stuff" to finally a fault line is forming in his childhood "Mum, I HATE it when you say that" (spoken in annoyed voice in front of his friends.) And buddy, if you're reading this you are still a "child", officially ok. THATS why I used the world child, not pre-pre-teen or whatever.
I just make lame jokes that I think are very funny. And I'm sure he'll think are funny in 10 years from now. I say things in front of his friends, I try and talk with his friends (Mum, why did you say hi to them, they don't know you at all). I try and include myself in his conversations (never again, last time I included myself, I was met with a stoney silence, and they changed topics)
And yesterday, I think we inadvertently crossed a line. And it wasn't even my fault. I was embarrassing, even to myself, and certainly to an 11 year old. I'd had a long hot run that ended at a beach. The Husband had forgotten my swimmers. But I was hot and needed a swim. "I'll just go in my running gear", I said as The Husband was apologising. "All good, no probs".
Will was horrified "No Mum, you can't do that, that will just look weird. Don't Mum" Admittedly I wasn't looking my finest, but I was hot godammit, so in I went in my shorts and sports top.
Then as you do at the beach, you sit around a while, throw the ball, dig holes, and all of this I did in my wet running gear. Surrounded by gorgeous beach bods in bikinis and other beach attire that wasn't running gear.
I was a little mortified and a whole lot of embarrassed. Not sure why, I think I was channeling my son's vision of me.
I think what I am experiencing is a transition from participant to non-participant in some situations. I am the driver of the car, I am the pizza maker, the movie orderer, the clean uniform provider, the note signer, the sleepover arranger, the homework nagger, the PS3 turn-off'er. I have a cool factor of zero.
I'm often a non-entity in his eyes, especially in front of others.
But that's ok, I knew this was coming. And I know he still adores me. And that I'm the person who he wants to kiss him good night.
And that he'll come back to me.