Monday, December 19, 2011

A Christmas Letter

Dear Sister,
First off, I just want to say how happy I am that we'll be together at Christmas, I really think that's important for you to know.

I know that you have had the same "kind" of Christmas for many years and you have your well rehearsed way of doing it, and that this is your first year of coming to us, so first off, I just want to ask you to leave any expectations of that outside our door before you step in.

We have a few house rules, and I think once again, it's all about expectations etc etc so we're all on the same page this Christmas.  Just to set the scene, last year we had too many impromptu wines with the neighbours and our Christmas dinner was a lesser version of the spread I'd imagined, and a hell of a lot later.  Won't be making that mistake again, nope.
Firstly, that mess at the bottom of the fridge just happened before you opened the fridge door, in fact, best to avoid the fridge all together (although I know you'll be keen for an inspection after that cutting and unnecessary salmonella remark.
Don't walk around our house in bare feet, ever.  Pass it on.  We tend to avoid it at all costs as Lego inflicted wounds are painful and leave a deep physical and emotional impression, especially if incurred in a nighttime, bare footed run to the loo.
Mariah Carey's O Holy Night is The Husbands all time favourite Christmas song, you too will grow to love it and will unwisely attempt those high notes.
My boys are a work-in-progress - manners, attitude, cleanliness, - a gorgeous, much loved work-in-progress.
If you go to open a cupboard and you feel a pressure or weight behind it, step away quickly, covering your head with your arms.
If there are small pools of yellow tinged liquid around the bottom edge of the toilets, best to use whatever precautions you would use if facing that situation in a public toilet.  Advice re: bare feet is also very applicable here.
The wine is in the garage, please replace whatever you have removed from the fridge with another so we have a steady chilled supply.
The mornings are often the best time of the day, thanks to small people who live in this house, you will experience many.  Ear plugs could be a useful item to pack.
Some people in this family tend to prefer songs on repeat rather than a new selection each time.  We hope you enjoy LMFAO's Rock Anthem, we know all the words, and you soon will as well.
I have cooked possibly 4 turkeys in my life time, and never under the scrutiny and perfectionism you'll be subjecting me too, I may need some guidance.  I may not ask for it, but it will be apparent to all that I need it.  Step in.  Please.
If there are terse words, and an icy chill to the air, there is an argument in your midst.  The harsh whisperings you'll be hearing from behind bedroom doors should sort it.  If not, the wine is in the garage.
We do not have a 6pm start time for happy hour.  I'm happy to say that wasn't genetically passed on from our father.
In attempts to cold turkey our children from electronic devices so they don't turn into Dungeons and Dragons freakoids, the microwave timer will be beeping at regular 15 minutes intervals.  There is usually much whinging as the timer rings, but after 10 minutes or so it does eventually subside.

Please make yourselves at home in our home.
With love,
your much younger, christmas dinner challenged sister!


  1. could you write one to my in laws...please replace lego with squinkies and LMFAO with 'moves like jagger'. Happy xmas.

  2. Sister - Thanks for the heads up & don't forget I'll be bringing an 18yr old boy to your house. Best lock that bar fridge ..... You don't have a girl & you'll be so pleased after my 14yr old gets into your make up, shoes, clothes, jewellery & ties up bathrooms for hours ! Also, I'll be bringing Albie - who can burp the national anthem & any number of Xmas carols.
    As for me - I'll tackle the turkey but I can't make gravy unless you like it tasteless, gray & lumpy ! All that said - we can't wait & I LOVE to sing along to that Maria Carey song & any Elvis Xmas songs, & Michael Buble & .....