Holidays

I'm in the deep of the school holidays.  I'm at that stage where I need a little me time (and not the kind where I'm looking at the blue line at the bottom of the swimming pool as I escape for a 30 minute training swim, nor where I pound the pavements for an uncomfortable jog feeling unfit and dissatisfied.)
I need a bit of silence and isolation.  I need a bit of time being just me.
I'm writing this on a day when I have a house full of kids, all fun, all being kids, and all about what the holidays should be about.
But the reality for me is I put "me" on hold for the month of January, until school starts and I can start living my life as me, more meaningfully, rather than just my life as a mum/foodprovider/taxidriver/social events organiser.  I exercise sporadically and quickly, I write infrequently, but I plan voraciously.
And I cherish my kids being "off" and free to play without the constrains of school uniforms, school timetables and after school activities.  I love them being around me.  I love them and don't wish them anywhere other than here with me.

Conflicting huh?

I had lunch with a couple who spend a good chunk of summer in a beach house at a lovely spot with only a surf club kiosk as the only place for a coffee, yet a 20 minute walk along a stunning beach for more civilisation.  My friend says she loves being on her own at the house, her husband is heading overseas for a few weeks.  And in a small kitchen surrounded by salad makings and meat to barbecue, we had a lovely meeting of the minds, I would love the chance to be on my own for a bit, to be quiet, to be peaceful.
And as I write this, my time obsessed son puts an iPhone by me with a clock ticking loudly that he's found on it.  That I don't need.

And yet, I still think of how when I'm on my own and the days are mine, how I seem to squander time, how I'm not 100% purposeful, how I always feel time is racing.

So I will use this next few weeks not stressing about what I'm not doing but relishing what I am doing with my kids each day, and the kind of mum I'm being.  And I will plan how I will use my precious time alone more purposefully so time isn't lost but used.
Do you ever feel this conflict between what you want and what you do?