Wednesday, November 9, 2011

The Rocky Road to Purpose

Hmmm, this makes it sound like a destination rather than a state of being.  I wish it was, it might be easier to get there.
Do you ever analyse yourself so much that you end up feeling so stink and blah about what you're actually seeing, and the "you" that you want to be is just so far in the frickin distance that you have no idea how to get there or if you'll get there.
So you end up looking back on the you (that you're trying to move away from) and think well, maybe this is me, stuck with all these inadequacies.  Not happy with this person, can't be the other person, oh well better sulk for a bit.

I'd love to say that this self analysis is all over and done with in the blink of an eye with no casualties along the way, but in my case it rarely is.
I have cycles.  Cycles of intent and focus and self belief, that are quickly followed by the "yeah right, who the hell are you kidding?   You're trying to be what?  You're trying to be what kind of person?  Dream on baby".

My family get dragged into the mire.  I don't think they see the "on the charge me", but they definitely experience the "self doubting me", she's draining, grumpy, and absolutely no fun.  I think I stumble under the self impose pressure to be a better me, to be living my best life now.

Somehow I need to find some stepping stones to getting there.  Baby stepping stones.
And then take the trip.
One step at a time.

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